3/26/09

The Talmudic Sutra and Dead Sea Scrolls Secrets for Gevaldig Sex

I like Shmuley Boteach and I always wish him well and hope his books are big smashing successes. Shmuley is a friend of mine (on facebook). I think I saw him once in person in the lobby at the JCC on the Palisades.

Shmuley has a new book out about how to have better sex. One thing you gotta admit about the rabbi is that he has chutzpah -- and that really inspires us. I just don't know where he got his sex therapy training.

I took out my rabbinic school transcript -- to double check. Nope. Not a single course about sex on my transcript. Now, I'm not 100% sure - they may have tried to teach me about eroticism in the Friday homiletics courses. I however was tight asleep in every one of those classes so I wouldn't know what they taught.

There was one seminar on the menstrual laws given to us rabbinic trainees -- by a rabbi who was also a biology professor. But if I recall, that was more about the different colors of menstrual emissions, not something that ever could be mistaken for helping a couple achieve marital bliss in the bedroom.

I'm sure then that Shmuley picked up a lot of stuff about better sex either before or after rabbinical school.

Stimulated by Rabbi Shmuley, we actually have been doing some research into ancient texts and some of our own thinking about the subject. There are plenty of sex stories in the Talmud. Again, none of that was ever taught to us in class. At the yeshiva I went to, all of the sex stuff was in the aggadic textual sections that we skipped over -- so we could get to the good parts of the Talmud -- the laws. (Curiously, that is not at all parallel to the way that we read our Ian Fleming books as a teenager.)

So far, we have read only the free pages on Amazon of Shmuley's newly published book, "The Kosher Sutra: Eight Sacred Secrets for Reigniting Desire and Restoring Passion for Life."

Mostly, Shmuley's work now does not seem to be a very Jewish guide. The editors probably had him rewrite the eight sacred "secrets" for a more "general" audience.

We think that Shmuley originally must have written eight other more Jewish "secrets" for re-ignition and restoration of erotic life, based on the actual content of his intensive rabbinic training and on Judaism.

Amazingly, we've been able to uncover the original more Jewish title of his book, and we've been able to recover -- from a gardener who found it hidden in a cave in the cliffs of the Palisades -- a fragmentary manuscript of the table of contents of what could be the actual first draft of the more Jewish book by Shmuley. This mysterious text comes with an introductory instruction and an ensuing text. It reads as follows:
"The Talmudic Sutra and Dead Sea Scrolls Secrets for Gevaldig Sex." ((Instruction: "After reading each chapter title, the reader must wink and say, 'If you know what we mean...'"))
  1. The First Secret: The King and Vashti - Have a Purim Party of your own...
  2. The Second Secret: Play Hide the Afikomen, even when it's not Passover...
  3. The Third Secret: Stay up All Night to Mount Sinai and Reveal Your Two Tablets of the Law...
  4. The Fourth Secret: Blow this Shofar...
  5. The Fifth Secret: Put Your Lulav into that Esrog and Shake it...
  6. The Sixth Secret: Light my Hannukah Candle and Come Get Your Present...
  7. The Seventh Secret: Kiss My Mezzuza and I'll Make Kiddush for You...
  8. The Eighth Secret: Let Me Kiss Your Tzitzis...
Okay, enough narishkeit for today.

1 comment:

Miryam said...

At the Frisch Shiryah a few years ago, one creative group of students came up with a new song based on sukkos with the lyrics, "shake your hadass." The faculty never got the double entendre.