It is always nice to see the good things that one of your students has been doing.
Louis Newman, who got his masters at the U of M and then went off to get his PhD at Brown, now teaches at Carleton.
He nicely addresses a variety of issues pertinent to this season of the High Holy Days in a broadcast called, The Refreshing Practice of Repentance on the NPR series,"On Being" with Krista Tippett.
The show originates from the Twin Cities and covers a wide variety of spiritual topics. [Hat tip to KS.]
I haven't dealt with repentance in any systematic way. Most recently I did write a bit about apologies in general and compassion in the Kol Nidre ritual.
My favorite moment from the show was when Krista quoted Louis' reference to Rabbi Soloveitchik who says in one of his works that the practice of repentance is so bewildering that even the angels to not understand it: "Repentance cannot be comprehended rationally. It does not really make sense. Even the angels do not understand what repentance is."
Newman cites the Talmud's statement (in Berakhot 54a) that repentance was created at twilight just before the first Sabbath, which means to him that repentance is a miracle that God placed in the world.
Newman published a fine book about repentance in 2010, reviewed here.
Postscript question for 5776:
This year I am reflecting on the marathon nature of the Yom Kippur services and rituals. As an active person, as a rule I work out every day. I swim laps in a pool. I do not swim the English Channel, not even once a year. I do not engage in marathon runs or triathlons. Would it not be better for the soul and the psyche for most people, I wonder, to practice serious but smaller and more manageable rituals of repentance on a daily basis? Self reflection and improvement should be ritualized and actualized as a continuous process, shouldn't it?
9/21/15
9/12/15
The Most Popular Online Shofar Blowing Video
An Amazing Shofar Ram's Horn Synagogue Service
Rabbi Jonathan Ginsburg
Rabbi Jonathan Ginsburg
Uploaded to YouTube on Sep 20, 2007
Sound - not that great
Nearly 700,000 views
That's a big shofar!
Nearly 700,000 views
That's a big shofar!
9/5/15
My Jewish Standard "Dear Rabbi Zahavy" Column for September 2015 - Going In and Going Out of Our Community
Note to my readers about the new name for my column.
Because of the "furor" over my bikini advice last month, my column has been renamed by the editor of the Jewish Standard. A prominent rabbi from Englewood had complained to her that the former column title, "Dear Rabbi" insinuates that all rabbis agree with my advice. Accordingly my editor offered to rename the column "Dear Rabbi Zahavy" to remove all ambiguity. The important rabbi from Englewood was not pleased with this proposed solution. LOL.
Here is my September column.
Dear Rabbi Zahavy,
My 20-year-old son, whom we brought up Orthodox, has decided to move to the Upper West Side and lead a secular life. My spouse and I, though disappointed, respect his decision. But my friends insist on offering me consolation for my loss, because my child has gone “Off the Derech.” I feel hurt when that label is used to describe my child. And I do not feel any sense of loss. What should I say to my friends?
Pained in Passaic
Dear Pained,
To be clear to my readers, “Off the Derech” means “Off the Path.” In recent years it’s been used to describe those who leave the fold of Orthodoxy. It’s likely that of all the words in this label it’s the innocent little word “the” that is most hurtful to you. The implication and intent of OTD classification clearly is that there is one and only one acceptable path through life. In the Torah True town there is one street on which to travel. When you leave that street you are off the road. And without proper direction you are lost.
This categorization of your son may be hurtful to you for two reasons. First, no doubt there’s a value judgment built into that OTD label. One lifestyle is kosher. All others are not only treif, they are path-less. And you don’t want your child to be branded in that way. He has chosen another path.
Second, though you may not realize it, you are hurt by the realization that your community has created a metaphoric label based on a factually incorrect model of the world. Obviously, our open, modern, pluralistic society abounds with a myriad of paths, streets, highways, and byways through life. Most of them are productive, not destructive. To say that only one is valid and viable and worthy is a blunt denial of reality. It hurts you to realize that your community bases its thinking on that kind of skewed worldview. It hurts you to realize that your community believes and says there are only two ways, the way of Torah and the way of those who “sit idle.”
This worldview is expressed most clearly in one of the prayers recited at a siyyum, the celebration of the completion of the study of a book of the Talmud:
“We are thankful before you God, our God and God of our ancestors, that you have made our portion from among those who sit in the house of study and you have not made our portion from among those who sit idle. For we wake early and they wake early. We wake early for words of Torah and they wake early for idle words. We strive and they strive. We strive and receive reward and they strive and do not receive reward. We race and they race. We race toward the afterworld and they race toward destruction, as it says: ‘And you God will bring them down to destruction, men of blood and deceit will not live out half their lives, and I will trust You.’”
Right there in our liturgy is a rigidly provocative dualistic narrative depiction of the world.
Those who offer you consolation imagine that everyone must lament when a child leaves the community. In their view, the child has gone over from a pure Torah-observant life to a crude existence without direction, one that is permeated with sex and violence as portrayed by Hollywood, TV, popular music, and other expressions of modern culture.
They also expect you to grieve because they anticipate that children who leave may no longer share with their families the joys of the holidays, Shabbat, and family-based rituals and life cycle events that are cherished and make life meaningful on many levels. Your friends exhibit a genuine concern for you and your child, and may also worry lest their own children will follow suit and opt to leave the one true path.
But a comprehensive talmudic review of the world must conclude that there are many varied, wonderful, creative, and constructive valid paths through Jewish life and life in general. There are many different organized paths within Judaism: charedi, chasidic, modern Orthodox, Conservative, Reform, and Reconstructionist. Some styles may seem more secular, but all are suffused with meaningful elements of faith and observances.
Beyond those official streams, alternative paths offer a Jewish life through affiliation and identification with the Jewish community in other ways — through charity work, JCCs, classes, travel, activism, and political support for various causes. These too are vibrant Jewish paths.
So if you wish, you can tell your friends something like this. Though your son has decided to leave their path, he has found another. It will be his own road, he is on that derech, and it is well-paved. He is not lost. You have prepared him well to contribute to the betterment of humankind, and you are confident that his road will take him in a fine and proper direction.
Dear Rabbi Zahavy,
I come from a classical Reform Jewish background. My sister has become a baal teshuva and now keeps strictly kosher. She won’t eat in my house anymore. How can I deal with this?
Boycotted in Bergenfield
Dear Boycotted,
First of all, you need to understand the nature of your sister’s choice.
The Orthodox idea of the baal teshuva is based on the belief that all Jews remain members of the tribe, no matter what lifestyle they live. At any moment a Jew leading a secular lifestyle can have an awakening and decide to repent — do teshuva — and return to the Torah-true way of life.
At one time, social scientists used the term reversion for such a decision. That label and the baal teshuva label both imply that a person has chosen to return to a previous state, practice, or belief.
These are of course metaphoric fictional ways of describing becoming Orthodox as a return. In most cases that’s not what’s going on. The person making the choice was Jewish previously, but never was Orthodox.
The choice to become frum is in fact a bold new choice of life direction, a break with a past path and a selection of a new one. That is the fact, and that is likely how you see it. And it makes you uncomfortable that your sister won’t eat with you now.
She sees it differently. She has awakened and returned. You unfortunately have not, at least not yet.
She has left what she might describe as the emptiness of a secular life, and now lives in the fullness and meaning of a busy Orthodox existence. Her life is now governed by a myriad of detailed practices that may baffle you, including all of the complex laws of a kosher kitchen.
Understand this. Your sister may once have spent her Saturdays in a perfectly proper manner of leisure. Perhaps she went shopping or maybe she had her nails done on Cedar Lane, then listened to NPR’s “Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me,” then went in the summer to swim and sit out by the pool.
But now that she has chosen another path, her Saturday is Shabbos. She goes to shul, then to Kiddush, then to the Shabbos meal, and perhaps to a nap or to a class in Chumash study (Bible). And there is no shopping, no nails, no radio, no pool.
She has opted to leave behind her previous routines for a more rigorous and structured cycle of life, governed by religious norms and prohibitions. She found her earlier life lacking and her new life more meaningful and ultimately more consequential.
And with her new way, she has decided that she now may eat only food that is kosher, prepared in utensils that are kosher, and served on dishes that are kosher. If you want her to join you in your home for dinner, you must respect and accommodate her wishes. Ask her how you can do this for her on an ad hoc basis, so that she will feel comfortable eating in your home.
It might mean you have to buy her prepared kosher food and serve it on disposable plates. There are degrees of kashrut, and you need to know her level of expectation.
Perhaps ask her to invite you over to her home so that you can see firsthand what she does to create her kosher cuisine.
If you cannot reach a negotiated mode of having her join you for dinner in your home or hers, and you do want to dine with her, then try taking her out to a nice kosher restaurant. There are many fine convenient local options for kosher dining in Teaneck and the surrounding towns.
As your question and the previous one illustrate, our community is dynamic and diverse. We need to better understand and embrace the movements in and out, and respect all of the options that are out there for living satisfying Jewish lives.
The Dear Rabbi column offers timely advice based on timeless Talmudic wisdom. It aspires to be equally respectful and meaningful to all varieties and denominations of Judaism. You can find it here on the first Friday of the month. Please mail your questions to the Jewish Standard or email DearRabbi@jewishmediagroup.com.
Tzvee Zahavy earned his Ph.D. from Brown University and rabbinic ordination from Yeshiva University where he studied for two years with Rav Aharon Lichtenstein and for four years with Rav J.B. Soloveitchik. He is the author many books, including these Kindle Edition e-books available at Amazon.com: “The Book of Jewish Prayers in English,” “Rashi: The Greatest Exegete,” “God’s Favorite Prayers” and “Dear Rabbi” — which includes his past columns from the Jewish Standard and other essays.
Read more: Dear Rabbi Zahavy @ The Jewish Standard
Because of the "furor" over my bikini advice last month, my column has been renamed by the editor of the Jewish Standard. A prominent rabbi from Englewood had complained to her that the former column title, "Dear Rabbi" insinuates that all rabbis agree with my advice. Accordingly my editor offered to rename the column "Dear Rabbi Zahavy" to remove all ambiguity. The important rabbi from Englewood was not pleased with this proposed solution. LOL.
Here is my September column.
Dear Rabbi Zahavy,
My 20-year-old son, whom we brought up Orthodox, has decided to move to the Upper West Side and lead a secular life. My spouse and I, though disappointed, respect his decision. But my friends insist on offering me consolation for my loss, because my child has gone “Off the Derech.” I feel hurt when that label is used to describe my child. And I do not feel any sense of loss. What should I say to my friends?
Pained in Passaic
Dear Pained,
To be clear to my readers, “Off the Derech” means “Off the Path.” In recent years it’s been used to describe those who leave the fold of Orthodoxy. It’s likely that of all the words in this label it’s the innocent little word “the” that is most hurtful to you. The implication and intent of OTD classification clearly is that there is one and only one acceptable path through life. In the Torah True town there is one street on which to travel. When you leave that street you are off the road. And without proper direction you are lost.
This categorization of your son may be hurtful to you for two reasons. First, no doubt there’s a value judgment built into that OTD label. One lifestyle is kosher. All others are not only treif, they are path-less. And you don’t want your child to be branded in that way. He has chosen another path.
Second, though you may not realize it, you are hurt by the realization that your community has created a metaphoric label based on a factually incorrect model of the world. Obviously, our open, modern, pluralistic society abounds with a myriad of paths, streets, highways, and byways through life. Most of them are productive, not destructive. To say that only one is valid and viable and worthy is a blunt denial of reality. It hurts you to realize that your community bases its thinking on that kind of skewed worldview. It hurts you to realize that your community believes and says there are only two ways, the way of Torah and the way of those who “sit idle.”
This worldview is expressed most clearly in one of the prayers recited at a siyyum, the celebration of the completion of the study of a book of the Talmud:
“We are thankful before you God, our God and God of our ancestors, that you have made our portion from among those who sit in the house of study and you have not made our portion from among those who sit idle. For we wake early and they wake early. We wake early for words of Torah and they wake early for idle words. We strive and they strive. We strive and receive reward and they strive and do not receive reward. We race and they race. We race toward the afterworld and they race toward destruction, as it says: ‘And you God will bring them down to destruction, men of blood and deceit will not live out half their lives, and I will trust You.’”
Right there in our liturgy is a rigidly provocative dualistic narrative depiction of the world.
Those who offer you consolation imagine that everyone must lament when a child leaves the community. In their view, the child has gone over from a pure Torah-observant life to a crude existence without direction, one that is permeated with sex and violence as portrayed by Hollywood, TV, popular music, and other expressions of modern culture.
They also expect you to grieve because they anticipate that children who leave may no longer share with their families the joys of the holidays, Shabbat, and family-based rituals and life cycle events that are cherished and make life meaningful on many levels. Your friends exhibit a genuine concern for you and your child, and may also worry lest their own children will follow suit and opt to leave the one true path.
But a comprehensive talmudic review of the world must conclude that there are many varied, wonderful, creative, and constructive valid paths through Jewish life and life in general. There are many different organized paths within Judaism: charedi, chasidic, modern Orthodox, Conservative, Reform, and Reconstructionist. Some styles may seem more secular, but all are suffused with meaningful elements of faith and observances.
Beyond those official streams, alternative paths offer a Jewish life through affiliation and identification with the Jewish community in other ways — through charity work, JCCs, classes, travel, activism, and political support for various causes. These too are vibrant Jewish paths.
So if you wish, you can tell your friends something like this. Though your son has decided to leave their path, he has found another. It will be his own road, he is on that derech, and it is well-paved. He is not lost. You have prepared him well to contribute to the betterment of humankind, and you are confident that his road will take him in a fine and proper direction.
Dear Rabbi Zahavy,
I come from a classical Reform Jewish background. My sister has become a baal teshuva and now keeps strictly kosher. She won’t eat in my house anymore. How can I deal with this?
Boycotted in Bergenfield
Dear Boycotted,
First of all, you need to understand the nature of your sister’s choice.
The Orthodox idea of the baal teshuva is based on the belief that all Jews remain members of the tribe, no matter what lifestyle they live. At any moment a Jew leading a secular lifestyle can have an awakening and decide to repent — do teshuva — and return to the Torah-true way of life.
At one time, social scientists used the term reversion for such a decision. That label and the baal teshuva label both imply that a person has chosen to return to a previous state, practice, or belief.
These are of course metaphoric fictional ways of describing becoming Orthodox as a return. In most cases that’s not what’s going on. The person making the choice was Jewish previously, but never was Orthodox.
The choice to become frum is in fact a bold new choice of life direction, a break with a past path and a selection of a new one. That is the fact, and that is likely how you see it. And it makes you uncomfortable that your sister won’t eat with you now.
She sees it differently. She has awakened and returned. You unfortunately have not, at least not yet.
She has left what she might describe as the emptiness of a secular life, and now lives in the fullness and meaning of a busy Orthodox existence. Her life is now governed by a myriad of detailed practices that may baffle you, including all of the complex laws of a kosher kitchen.
Understand this. Your sister may once have spent her Saturdays in a perfectly proper manner of leisure. Perhaps she went shopping or maybe she had her nails done on Cedar Lane, then listened to NPR’s “Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me,” then went in the summer to swim and sit out by the pool.
But now that she has chosen another path, her Saturday is Shabbos. She goes to shul, then to Kiddush, then to the Shabbos meal, and perhaps to a nap or to a class in Chumash study (Bible). And there is no shopping, no nails, no radio, no pool.
She has opted to leave behind her previous routines for a more rigorous and structured cycle of life, governed by religious norms and prohibitions. She found her earlier life lacking and her new life more meaningful and ultimately more consequential.
And with her new way, she has decided that she now may eat only food that is kosher, prepared in utensils that are kosher, and served on dishes that are kosher. If you want her to join you in your home for dinner, you must respect and accommodate her wishes. Ask her how you can do this for her on an ad hoc basis, so that she will feel comfortable eating in your home.
It might mean you have to buy her prepared kosher food and serve it on disposable plates. There are degrees of kashrut, and you need to know her level of expectation.
Perhaps ask her to invite you over to her home so that you can see firsthand what she does to create her kosher cuisine.
If you cannot reach a negotiated mode of having her join you for dinner in your home or hers, and you do want to dine with her, then try taking her out to a nice kosher restaurant. There are many fine convenient local options for kosher dining in Teaneck and the surrounding towns.
As your question and the previous one illustrate, our community is dynamic and diverse. We need to better understand and embrace the movements in and out, and respect all of the options that are out there for living satisfying Jewish lives.
The Dear Rabbi column offers timely advice based on timeless Talmudic wisdom. It aspires to be equally respectful and meaningful to all varieties and denominations of Judaism. You can find it here on the first Friday of the month. Please mail your questions to the Jewish Standard or email DearRabbi@jewishmediagroup.com.
Tzvee Zahavy earned his Ph.D. from Brown University and rabbinic ordination from Yeshiva University where he studied for two years with Rav Aharon Lichtenstein and for four years with Rav J.B. Soloveitchik. He is the author many books, including these Kindle Edition e-books available at Amazon.com: “The Book of Jewish Prayers in English,” “Rashi: The Greatest Exegete,” “God’s Favorite Prayers” and “Dear Rabbi” — which includes his past columns from the Jewish Standard and other essays.
Read more: Dear Rabbi Zahavy @ The Jewish Standard
8/26/15
Haaretz Op Ed: Iran Deal on Nukes is Good - I agree
Amazing how American Jews have become experts in Iranian Nuclear politics. Truly it is a miracle.
A Haaretz writer explains why Obama is right on Iran. I agree with him:
A Haaretz writer explains why Obama is right on Iran. I agree with him:
Jewish Americans are going through a harrowing dilemma. Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has been calling the nuclear deal with Iran a mistake of historical proportions. He has made opposing it the shibboleth of whether you are a good Jew and a true friend of Israel, or whether you let Barack Obama throw Israel under the bus. So Netanyahu keeps repeating it: By cranking up sanctions even more, a better deal with Iran can be reached, but Obama and the P5+1 group have been weak and defeatist.
Netanyahu's tactic has created enormous problems. He has dealt further blows to Israel's relations with the United States, created deep rifts in the U.S. Jewish community, and worst of all, he has turned the discussion into whether you are for Israel or against it. He has turned it into good versus evil: Care about the Jewish people or be willing to let them perish in the next Holocaust.
The shrillness of the debate has made many forget that dealing with Iran is not a matter of ideology but rather carefully balanced probabilities. Get the best deal under the given circumstances, and the best deal isn't a matter of rhetoric but careful calculation.
Netanyahu's tactic has created enormous problems. He has dealt further blows to Israel's relations with the United States, created deep rifts in the U.S. Jewish community, and worst of all, he has turned the discussion into whether you are for Israel or against it. He has turned it into good versus evil: Care about the Jewish people or be willing to let them perish in the next Holocaust.
The shrillness of the debate has made many forget that dealing with Iran is not a matter of ideology but rather carefully balanced probabilities. Get the best deal under the given circumstances, and the best deal isn't a matter of rhetoric but careful calculation.
This is my call to U.S. Jewry. Turning the Iran deal into a partisan issue is about as wrongheaded as checking your doctor's political convictions rather than credentials and experience. This is why it's best to listen to top Israeli security officials, who have both the professional competence and dedication to care about what serves Israel best.
U.S. Jews might therefore wonder: Why are there no prominent Israeli voices supporting the Iran deal? Well, the noise has drowned out the fact that a phalanx of security chiefs has publicly supported the deal.
U.S. Jews might therefore wonder: Why are there no prominent Israeli voices supporting the Iran deal? Well, the noise has drowned out the fact that a phalanx of security chiefs has publicly supported the deal.
8/23/15
Hebrew National Hot Dogs are Really Truly No-Kidding Kosher
Yes. Hebrew National Hot Dogs have been kosher since 1905. And Target sells them!I have eaten them. But I know some more-kosher-than-thou types who won't partake. Those are the Jewish folk who answer to an even "higher authority" than Hebrew National.
Kenneth Lasson, writing in a Baltimore Jewish Times cover story in 2009, weaves together reportage about the hot dog industry, the kashrut supervision industry and baseball parks to come up with a fascinating fabric of a story, "Hebrew National and Kosher Politics - What’s kosher about answering to a higher authority?".
For years there have been some super-glatt-orthodox who whisper about whether the supervision of Hebrew National was "reliable." Lasson covers this controversy and says for instance,
...As to Triangle K, Rabbi Abadi wrote on the kashrut.org Web site, “Rabbi Ralbag is a G-d-fearing man and if he says it’s kosher, you sure can eat it. I can’t say the same for many of the other labels out there.”...more...The Talmudic question is of course, can we trust the writing of Kenneth Lasson. Is he reliable? Is he glatt kosher? /repost from 7-9-09/
8/17/15
Maimonides and Pictures of Topless Women
Mitchel First (author of Esther Unmasked) alerted me to the fact that a Marc Shapiro found topless women adorning holy books - and indeed he had in his new book, Changing the Immutable, "a whole chapter there about the printing of Rambam's and other halakhic works that had illustrations of topless women on their title pages and ... this was normal at some point!"
That snip above is from the title page (TP) of Maimonides, Mishneh Torah, Amsterdam 1702. Here is the whole title page.
The work was printed by the Athias printing house:
In the middle of the seventeenth century, Joseph Athias established a combined Hebrew-Dutch printing house in Amsterdam, which turned into a success. His son, Immanuel Athias took over the management of the Hebrew printing in 1685. In 1702, he published Maimonides' Mishneh Torah in four volumes. The edition was dedicated to Moses Machado, army purveyor of King William III of England, who gave financial support to the printing house for buying new printing equipment.
I do not think that Artscroll Mesorah publishers or any Orthodox publisher would approve today of such a depiction in any of their books.
And honestly, I don't know why. I cannot explain when and how some Orthodox Jews became Puritans.
8/15/15
NPR: A Brief Historical Survey of US Bathing Suit Rules (Not the Jewish Ones)
The NPR history department did a story on a Brief Historical Survey of US Bathing Suit Rules (Not the Jewish Ones). Hat tip to KS.
Thank goodness it concludes:
...as the 1930s wore on, restrictions on swimwear began to wear off. Stories about beaches posting dress — or undress — codes seemingly disappear from newspapers. By 1939, the city of Hammond, Ind. — apparently reflecting the relaxing attitudes of many American towns — had thrown all bathing suit rules out the window. "The city will establish no rules on type of bathing suits to be worn," the local Times reported on June 16, "just so bathers are garbed in some fashion."
8/6/15
Swipe Your Mobile Phone for a Jewish Date: My Jewish Standard Dear Rabbi Column for August 2015
Dear Rabbi,
My twenty-something daughter told me that she went on a date with a boy she met via a smart phone app called JSwipe. I gather that apps like that are meant to help people find casual hook-ups, and are not intended to lead to a serious relationship. Am I justified to be concerned?
Worried parent in Wyckoff
Dear Worried,
Although many of us have smart phones by now, most of us do not know how an app like JSwipe works. When I got your question, I didn’t. So I loaded the app onto my phone to see how it works. From what I gather reading about the app, it is a knockoff of the much more popular app Tinder. The premise of JSwipe is that it targets a subset of the population — Jewish people.
If you have a Facebook account, you can log in to the app with your ID and password and it pulls in your photos and other information from that site. You answer a few basic questions about your Jewish preferences (e.g., kosher or not, Orthodox, Conservative, Reform or a few others). You can be swiping actively through pictures of potential matches with the app in a matter of minutes.
There is no learning curve. You look at a picture of a possible date and swipe left to reject it or right to accept it. If you swipe right and the other person does as well, then you have made a match. You then can chat with your match in the app and possibly make a date.
Several shortcomings of this technology jumped right out at me. When I tried it out, the app did not actually screen who I was. I downloaded it, signed in, set some values, and was ready to swipe. That should worry both young users and their parents. If the new user wants to meet a Jewish date, you should know that the other JSwipe user might not be Jewish even if they say they are. And yes, Jewish or not, there is no way to know if they are stable or reputable people.
Once you get the app on your phone your activity in it is limited mainly to looking at pictures — many of which are the grainy snapshots that people use for their Facebook accounts. A small percentage of users put in additional descriptions of themselves and their interests.
A user can set some preferences — but not many. You can tell JSwipe the age range you want to see and the geographic proximity to potential matches and set a few Jewish preferences.
I certainly hope that people who match through the app and agree to a date will meet in a safe public place, to get a chance to validate somewhat that their match is a suitable person.
Does this system help people find proper matches? I’m no specialist in the sociology of Jewish dating. But I seriously doubt that this type of superficial app produces many fulfilling relationships or even enjoyable dates. To use totally non-analytical terms, at first blush, to me the system seemed simplistic, rude, and creepy.
Should you be worried if you find out that your child uses the app? A little. Most kids have common sense to be cautious about whom they meet and date. So you need not be that worried. But the superficiality of the choice process and lack of vetting of the population using the app are big drawbacks.
Well okay then. Is there anything you can do to help your kids find suitable dates? Parents I spoke to agree that trying to set up your child with a shidduch is not at all welcomed in the more liberal segments of our Jewish community. Apart from the ultra-Orthodox, who deem arranged marriages desirable, it’s common that children will not want your meddling at all into their social lives. Young people spend a great deal of effort to establish their own identities and their independence.
What I recommend, then, is that you help enable your children to find and join communities of like-minded peers, where they will have a better chance of meeting a suitable date or mate in person. Synagogues, community centers, artistic and cultural groups, charity activities, sports activities, and the like are valid starting points.
Try to be patient and let real human processes of meeting and making dates and establishing relationships take their course.
Bottom line, as you can tell, I’m not impressed with a dating methodology based on swiping through tiny pictures on a phone.
Tzvee Zahavy earned his Ph.D. from Brown University and rabbinic ordination from Yeshiva University. He is the author of many books, including these Kindle Edition ebooks available at Amazon.com: “The Book of Jewish Prayers in English,” “Rashi: The Greatest Exegete,” “God’s Favorite Prayers” and “Dear Rabbi” — which includes his past columns from the Jewish Standard and other essays.
My twenty-something daughter told me that she went on a date with a boy she met via a smart phone app called JSwipe. I gather that apps like that are meant to help people find casual hook-ups, and are not intended to lead to a serious relationship. Am I justified to be concerned?
Worried parent in Wyckoff
Dear Worried,
Although many of us have smart phones by now, most of us do not know how an app like JSwipe works. When I got your question, I didn’t. So I loaded the app onto my phone to see how it works. From what I gather reading about the app, it is a knockoff of the much more popular app Tinder. The premise of JSwipe is that it targets a subset of the population — Jewish people.
If you have a Facebook account, you can log in to the app with your ID and password and it pulls in your photos and other information from that site. You answer a few basic questions about your Jewish preferences (e.g., kosher or not, Orthodox, Conservative, Reform or a few others). You can be swiping actively through pictures of potential matches with the app in a matter of minutes.
There is no learning curve. You look at a picture of a possible date and swipe left to reject it or right to accept it. If you swipe right and the other person does as well, then you have made a match. You then can chat with your match in the app and possibly make a date.
Several shortcomings of this technology jumped right out at me. When I tried it out, the app did not actually screen who I was. I downloaded it, signed in, set some values, and was ready to swipe. That should worry both young users and their parents. If the new user wants to meet a Jewish date, you should know that the other JSwipe user might not be Jewish even if they say they are. And yes, Jewish or not, there is no way to know if they are stable or reputable people.
Once you get the app on your phone your activity in it is limited mainly to looking at pictures — many of which are the grainy snapshots that people use for their Facebook accounts. A small percentage of users put in additional descriptions of themselves and their interests.
A user can set some preferences — but not many. You can tell JSwipe the age range you want to see and the geographic proximity to potential matches and set a few Jewish preferences.
I certainly hope that people who match through the app and agree to a date will meet in a safe public place, to get a chance to validate somewhat that their match is a suitable person.
Does this system help people find proper matches? I’m no specialist in the sociology of Jewish dating. But I seriously doubt that this type of superficial app produces many fulfilling relationships or even enjoyable dates. To use totally non-analytical terms, at first blush, to me the system seemed simplistic, rude, and creepy.
Should you be worried if you find out that your child uses the app? A little. Most kids have common sense to be cautious about whom they meet and date. So you need not be that worried. But the superficiality of the choice process and lack of vetting of the population using the app are big drawbacks.
Well okay then. Is there anything you can do to help your kids find suitable dates? Parents I spoke to agree that trying to set up your child with a shidduch is not at all welcomed in the more liberal segments of our Jewish community. Apart from the ultra-Orthodox, who deem arranged marriages desirable, it’s common that children will not want your meddling at all into their social lives. Young people spend a great deal of effort to establish their own identities and their independence.
What I recommend, then, is that you help enable your children to find and join communities of like-minded peers, where they will have a better chance of meeting a suitable date or mate in person. Synagogues, community centers, artistic and cultural groups, charity activities, sports activities, and the like are valid starting points.
Try to be patient and let real human processes of meeting and making dates and establishing relationships take their course.
Bottom line, as you can tell, I’m not impressed with a dating methodology based on swiping through tiny pictures on a phone.
Tzvee Zahavy earned his Ph.D. from Brown University and rabbinic ordination from Yeshiva University. He is the author of many books, including these Kindle Edition ebooks available at Amazon.com: “The Book of Jewish Prayers in English,” “Rashi: The Greatest Exegete,” “God’s Favorite Prayers” and “Dear Rabbi” — which includes his past columns from the Jewish Standard and other essays.
7/30/15
7/27/15
Recommended Book: The Book of Jewish Prayers in English by Tzvee Zahavy
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