NY Times: How do you get to heaven? Through the Bermuda Triangle

Peter Steinfels reports in his religion column in the Times that the Weekly World News print edition is dead. Where will we get our weird religion news? WWN Online of course! And don't forget us bloggers....

Here are a few classic Q/As that Steinfels has culled from the WWN:
Q.: What does God look like?

A.: God “has fiery green eyes, flowing brown hair and stands 9 feet tall.”

Q.: What does God sound like?

A.: “A hundred baritones and a symphony orchestra rolled into one,” as recorded by a Soviet space probe.

Q.: Where is heaven?

A.: Heaven is 28,000 light-years from Earth, according to another space probe.

Q.: Where is hell?

A.: Nine miles below the surface of Earth, according to Soviet engineers drilling in Siberia (the Soviets played a curiously large part in these discoveries). Weekly World News reassured readers that those engineers had capped the hole after smelling smoke and hearing the cries of the damned.

Q.: How do you get to heaven?

A.: Through the Bermuda Triangle — did you have to ask? This was attributed to a Dutch physicist, who also reported that the passage to heaven was open 16 times a year.

Q.: How much does the human soul weigh?

A.: “The human soul weighs 1/3,000th of an ounce.” This detail was not the discovery of Soviets but the next best thing, East German scientists.
So you ask, what is new from WWN religion desk?

Glad you asked. Here my friends is the very latest.....

By Paul Kupperberg

SINAI PENINSULA — Sometime around the year 1340 B.C., this little patch of sun-baked land was the setting for one of the most heroic escapes in the annals of mankind: the Exodus of the Hebrew people from Egypt.

“After Moses led the people of Israel from Egypt, they wandered in the Sinai desert for forty years,” said Rabbi Zalman Schmotkin-Fisher of the Moses Studies Institute. “It’s long been a mystery exactly how the Hebrews could have remained lost for so many years in an area approximately the size of Arizona. Why hadn’t the Lord shown them the way?”

Now, an archaeological dig on the shores of the Red Sea proves that God did show Moses the way.

“A parchment map was found in a sealed urn not far from the remains of an Egyptian chariot,” said Rabbi Schmotkin-Fisher. “We surmise that Moses dropped it in the rush to get across the Red Sea before the parted waters came back together.

“It was etched by I Am’s own flaming finger, plainly mapping the way to the Promised Land. Remarkably, had they followed the Lord’s route, the trek would have taken the Israelites about a month, tops.”

“This explains so much,” Rabbi Schmotkin-Fisher said, “especially why God didn’t let Moses enter the Promised Land.

“You know how angry your wife gets when you won’t pull over and ask for directions?” the rabbi asked. “Imagine how irate the Almighty gets when you pull the same thing on Him!”

No comments: