Announcing Charedi Air

Attempt-at-humor email that is making the rounds:

In view of El Al's handling of the recent unfortunate situation of potentially having aircraft and passengers stranded on Erev Shabbat in the aftermath of a general strike in Israel, I propose that a new Charedi airline should now be established offering the following facilities:-

Strict pre flight passenger religious profiling. Booking available through Haimishe Travel Agents only, positively no Internet booking or check in facilities. No airport (or any other) taxes.

Flexible departure times, Magen Avraham, Gra, Rabbenu Tam etc.

* Security personal to be replaced by modesty police to check appropriate attire.

* Exclusive Platinum check in desk for all passengers.

* Unique "Maso Umattan" desk to negotiate upgrades and denied boarding compensation.

* Flight check in to commence 90 minutes after scheduled departure time.

* Unlimited checked in and hand baggage allowances.

* Only 279 Passengers may be booked for seating on any flight. Additional passengers may board right before takeoff to "Standing Room Only" area for "Simchas Ya'aleh V'yavo".

* Arrival at the departure gate 15 minutes after the last call positively encouraged.

* Frequent flyer "Middos Points" awarded on the basis of in flight Blatt Gemora learned. Bonus points available for the most original new Chumras submitted to the Board.

* On board fully equipped Beis Hamidrash offering running Minyanim, shiurim and live video links to your Rebbe. Unrestricted use of mobile (Kosher) phones, absolutely no Internet access.

* Pilots cabin will be reconfigured to hold 3-5 baby seats (in addition to normal cabin crew).

* Emergency under seat inflatable vests will now come in black or dark navy as Yellow is not a Tznisudik color.

* To offset operating expenses Charedi Air will lease its planes from a reputable Brooklyn car leasing establishment (don't worry about excess mileage).

* Four unique travel classes ranging from the exclusive Rambam First Class for Gedolei Hador only; Shelita Class for Dayanim and senior Rabbonim; Kolel Class for those who have been in full time learning for at least 30 years and Yeshivishe Class with optional seating. Women will be seated at the rear of the hold (subject to receiving permission to board from the modesty police). Women deemed to be immodesty dressed or wearing wigs with Indian hair will be relegated into overhead compartment.

* Mashgichim Temidim to replace flight attendants offering a choice of cuisine with outstanding Hechsherim ranging from Bedatz to Monsey Super Glatt.

* No refreshments will be served on the following Taanesim:- Taanis Esther, Tzom Gedalyo, Asoro BeTeves, Shivo Osor BeTammuz and Hey Iyyar.

* To prevent the possible desecration of the holy Shabbos (chas v' sholom) flights will only be scheduled on Monday to Wednesday. In addition flights will not run on the following days:-Erev Yom Tov, Yom Tov Sheini Shel Golyus, Isru Chag, Purim, 1-10 Av (until after Chatzos). Schedules are subject to disruption after Purim during which time aircraft will be thoroughly Kashered for Pesach.

*Floor of plane should be granite, hardwood, imported Italian tile or thick carpet.

*Seat belts will be replaced by "Seat Gartels".

*"Pre flight" safety video will be replaced by professional make and female actors (all shoimer shabbos who will depict instructions).

*Free retouching of passport pictures for single girls 16 and over.

*Lighting should be chandeliers.

*All cabin crew should be either Hispanic or polish with shared passport.

*First class isn't booked, it's auctioned for a tzedaka.

*Baby carriages don't have to be stored, they can be left in the aisles.

*Planes are allowed to double and triple park on runways if pilot has to "run into terminal for just a second."